we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
