Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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