I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
