her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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