She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
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