my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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