She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
