I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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