if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
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