Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
