My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
