Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
