Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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