You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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