you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
