Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I checked into jail on foursquare
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
