hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
