I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
