Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
