I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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