I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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