I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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