I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
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