Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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