she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
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