i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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