God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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