Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
