You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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