That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
