my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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