I just gift wrapped bread.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Can I color on your dick again?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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