Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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