I don't usually arrange sex via text message
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I'm way too hungover for life right now
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Randomize
