walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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