Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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