Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
