he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
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My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
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I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
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