i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Randomize
