my room smells like sperm. sweet.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
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It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
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My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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