my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
