not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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