So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
