You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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