if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
