And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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