i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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