My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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