Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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