I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
