I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
