someone owes me an orgasm
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
