anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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