yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Randomize
