I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
