just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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